Damn Those Inconsiderate Little Blue Basterds!!!

So, up until this point in my life I have never believed in fairies, ghosts and goblins. To me they were just ways for fruity minded people to justify being fruity. I had always believed that those people were drinking some kind of weird peyote laced fruit cocktail that just kinda twisted their brains a couple of molecules to the left. How else does one link things like a circle of mushrooms to fairies and such. In my eyes they were all just a bunch of whack jobs. But apparently some one has had me blinded this whole time. Damn you reason and logic!!!!!

There I was kicking it with some of my NINJA friends (cause we all know ninjas really exist), and we were doing some ninja style ish (thats radio slang for shit) like we do on Fridays. I was just teaching the peeps some cool new two finger death touch techniques, trying to get my awesomely masked homies ready for our rumble with the rival clan next week. The star pupil of the day, Chuckles McNinjabadassikins, was having some problems grasping the concept of linking a 5 shirkin evasion technique with the 2 finger death touch out of a triple back flip with a full twist. It’s a really easy move if you know what you are doing, it’s all about how you hold your lip. Anyway, I decided to help him out. We climbed up onto the scaffolding, cause real ninjas learn much better in death-defying situations, and started training.
After about 10 minutes I got a peculiar twinge in my ninja senses. I noticed that there was a small squad of  darkly clad ninjas perched in the trees above us,  waiting to strike at just the right moment. With a slight eye gesture I told Chuckles McNinjabadassikins that there was a ninja clan scoping the skills, and that we should take those fools down with the shim – shim technique.
*roughly translated* Shim – shim technique =  flying back spin wielding the fist of  ninja face destruction from the mountain of the 7 shinobi.

Before we could move though, those fools dropped out of the tree and our once tranquil training session in the park turned into an all out Jap fight that would’ve made Ninja Scroll look like an animated Disney flick from the 80′s. I can’t even tell you how many arrows I dodged. Chuckles McNinjabadassikins  and the rest of the hommies rained down on them trick ass bitches with a vengence though. There was Ninja blood all OVER the place!!!! So after this epic battle that lasted like 3 or 4 minutes, we decided to mosey on over to the cooler and recharge our selves with some tasty Go Fast!™

in the middle of my third step toward the cooler I noticed that one of those dead ninjas had an entire squadran of little blue smurfs crawling out of his bag. and just as I looked down one of those little blue bastards had pushed a hole right under my foot. This shit caught me completely by surprise. I’ve seen everything from dragons and drag queens, but I’ll be damned if I have ever seen a smurf till this exact moment in time. Not only that but these f*$kers could actually push a hole, damndest thing I ever seen!!!!!! There were so many of them the only thing I could think of at that moment was ” Damn… Poppa Smurf been gettin BUSY, BOW CHICKA WOW WOW”
I was so shocked at the surrealness of this LSD style moment that I forgot everything. All of my years of training went out the window. There was no way I could pull of any kind of teleportation technique, and my levitation jutsu was completely out of the question. The next few seconds were inevitable. My foot went straight into the whole. One click, two pops, and a WTF later I was on the ground screaming like a little ninja bitch!!!!

Now I know what you are thinking.. how did I sense the ninjas in the tree…..right? But I think you are really missing the point of the story here. There were f*$king smurfs pushing around holes and I f*$ked my ankle up by stepping in one of them. Aint that some shit?!?!?!?!!?!?!

True Story.

WHAT NOW BITCHES!!!!!!!

Breaking News: New Levels of Hell Recently Added

So I was at work yesterday like i usually am (EVERYDAY it seems), when low and behold a security scan pops up on my monitor. There it was, like a magnificent shield of armor shining in the middle of the blackest most demon infested night. Fighting the good fight to protect me, the innocent user from the most dastardly of invasions. I was like “Thank God for fire walls and antivirus software!”. Then something bizarre happened. I attempted to minimize this massive wall of mighty antivirusness….and was denied. “Well thats just not right!!!!!” I scrolled my mouse down to the bottom bar and attempted to minimize the software from the tab , only to be denied again. Not only was I denied, but the options for close and minimize were grayed out.

Like a flash of lightning my eyes darted back up to the once magnificent panel of security goodness. and There it was. The green bar of death. Slowly growing and instantly I grasped the reality of the situation. I am under attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF!!! WTF!!! WTF !!! WTF!!!

How could someone do this!!!!!!!!! They had disguised themselves as a champion of the people who’s only purpose was to protect them from the harmful world of hackers, and nasty little condom horse viruses. All the while they were poised to launch a sneak attack on my field full of green grass, blue skies, teddy bears and fluffy bunnies named Schnookie and Pookins. While I am sitting there staring at this magnanimous  glowing object of safety with is shimmering pearly goodness, it is behind me slaughtering countless bunnies and snuggly little bears. By the time I caught on and turned around everything was F*$ked!!!!!!! My green grass had turned red and was covered in teddy bear and fluffy bunny guts. WTF!!!!

How could these EVIL BASTERDS have gotten away with this??? I wasn’t surfing porn or illegally downloading videos and software!!!!!!! When could they have coordinated such a fiendish plan to attack . I haven’t made that many enemies lately. WTF!!!!! So I called the one true light in the universe. The only hope I could possibly have of banishing this vile menace from my happy place……….The IT Department. With a fiery sword of vengeance and nobility pulled from the mouth of God himself  he came. He smashed nasty viruses and foul mouthed malware with ruthless precision and vindictive accuracy!!!!!! And then he turned to me and with a voice so powerful it shook the very ground my chair sat upon he said “dude I am in the middle of some serious shit right now. This is such a simple problem to fix. Go to this site, download this thing, and run it. problem solved……moron.” And then Order was restored to my world. The verbal berating I had just received was but a small price to pay for the return of my sanity.

I believe there are special places in hell reserved for those that create and distribute computer viruses, spyware and malware. Just because you suck at social skills and couldn’t get a date with princess whatever the f*$k her name was, doesn’t give you the right to F*$k with my bunny rabbits. Nuff said.

WE GOT THAT FOOL!!!!!

Stupid Bullies with Their Stupid Stupidness

So I just read a post about a soon to be family member having some problems with some lame ass bullies. Then I heard a comment about how they always get what they deserve. I gotta say that the measurement of “what they deserve” is in serious need of review by the Board of Numbers Units and Measures. This dosage of needed retribution is never the same. but I guess it is a measurement like a pinch of salt or a dash of oregano. Its different from person to person.

Example: if you were given a swirly everyday by the same guy for 3 or 4 years in a row, you might believe that the measurement needs to be a bit heavier than if you were the chick at the end of the hall that just heard about the swirly. The chick at the end of the hall may think something along the lines of a swirly in a toilet full of poo might be the proper amount of “what they deserve”. However, if you were the kid getting the swirly, your measurement of this dosage will most certainly be much more grand and complex. Something along the lines of having all of your holes (yes all of them) filled with poo, while being dangled over a pit of black mambas after having just been given a swirly in a toilet full of pirana.

The measurement is just different.

Now we have all heard a thousand reasons as to why someone is a bully. and from time to time they are right. But those reasons don’t make a hill of beans to the people getting bullied. The only thing those people getting bullied ever care about is retribution. The problem with that is the victims are generally nice people that probably wouldn’t follow through with administering the dosage if given the opportunity. And even if the could manage to summon up the stones, it would only serve to make the bullies tougher, meaner and more on a warpath to torture their victims. Just take a look at our prison systems. Its just a vicious cycle.

Right about now your probably saying “OK Mr. Smarty Pants, What’s your solution?”

Simple. Zombies with chainsaws in a fence made of lasers!!!!! You can keep the zombies contained and the bullies are almost certain to shit their pants (which they would be forced to where for 5 days, provided they survived the ordeal) upon being dropped inside the fence. “well what if they didn’t get scared?” you ask….zombies need to eat. How are they gonna wield the chainsaws if you don’t feed them from time to time? duh!

I know its cruel and unusual punishment, but you’ll only have to do it to like five or six hundred bullies before they start to get the picture. I know its not a perfect solution…I’m just sayin……something needs to happen, and ya’ll aint cranking out any genius ideas like that one.

GET SOME FOOL!!!!!!!!

Life Would Be Better as a Zombie

As I am getting prepared to drag through yet another 10 hour day, I find myself wondering “is this really where I wanted to be at 33?”.  I thought for sure I would be a ninja assassin or some sort of freak with super powers by now. but like all the other amazing things that were supposed to happen in my life, it never did. So here I sit, chin quivering in sheer Disappointment from my failed existence, trying to guess the winning lottery numbers while simultaneously typing this blog. If only i could’ve been someone cool like, I don’t know, Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or that guy from the matrix, what was his name (tap tap tap) …the Merovingian. yeah life would’ve been really good. Instead….I’ll probably just wind up being a zombie.

Not that being a zombie would be such a horrible life. you don’t have to worry about alot of things when you are a zombie. stuff like rent, work, the economy, your boss, medical bills, having a keen fashion since, kanye west interrupting you, you know…the important shit in life.

food is kind of a bitch though. and with my luck I would be the guy that gets ripped apart by all of the other zombies. I would be like just a head and an arm…….damn. I can’t win for losing.

thats me on the ground.

Punched in the Mouth by a Fist Full of Glass

Have you ever had one of those days when parts of you body just hurt for no apparent reason? well, today is one of those days for me. I know that I have been having alot of work done but today random parts of my mouth are just killing me. I would kill them back but that would be suicide, and that aint my bag baby. So I guess I’ll just continue to make that face like someone just hit me in the head with a rock and keep cranking away at this work thing. I get to enjoy the fact that my desk is piled with work and I am taking just a couple of minutes away from my shovel and talk to you guys or guy (singular form) that are actually reading this.

maybe you should get back to work before your boss catches you. and if you the boss shouldn’t you be making sure your employees are working and not listening to me rant about my pains???????

I feel like a retard with a shovel

Mastication is a Bitch

So I have been getting my entire mouth rebuilt. Almost every tooth in my head is being rebuilt or removed. After 33 years of dealing with bad genes and more pain than I would wish on most of the few enemies I have, its all coming to an end. However, the night is always darkest before the dawn. I am making weekly visits to the dentist and he is working with the speed of an obssesed tooth fairy, ripping out teeth like a gardner rips weeds. But its all part of the plan. once the bad is all gone the good goes in and I’ll be able to gnaw the faces off of the dead dudes on rushmore……and eat potato chips again.

sheesh…. there goes my girlish figure.

On a side note I found a picture that was alot of fun on facebook.

GRRRRRRRRRRR

Lovin it but hating it at the same time

so I have been working on my portfolio most of the night. I have been trying to get all of the linkage in this site just right. Then I had to get into motion graphics mode to crank out this really “fabu” piece for my intro (thank you Andrew Kramer). it should do the trick. the Idea is to sell you on me from the get go. I just hope it won’t scare them away or make em think I am too expensive. who knows. if all goes well I should have the new portfolio up before the end of the week. we’ll see. I have had to put a very short hold on the graphic novel while I get this done. gainful employment is a must. The job I got pays the bill…..but I aint goin no where fast.

*yes I know there is a misspell and it has been fixed.

Here We Go Again

Yeah for the first post. This is a blog that I want to attach to my portfolio site. you can view my portfolio at http://www.briantaylor.hybridfreerunning.com

So I will try to keep this blog sane. I had a blog before but I used it to bitch about the world around me. Didn’t help anything at all. With this one however, I would like to keep you guys updated on things like my job search, my graphic novel, new skills I am learning, etc.
Occasionally I may post some free running madness on here, but not too often.

Enjoy