I saw a post on Facebook about someone saying they were stressed and needed a way to relieve the stress. Now…I have spent an entire lifetime (33 years) trying to figure this out. Most of my endeavors into this subject have ended poorly or have never really come into fruition. A couple of them have actually ended in jail (misdemeanors). It wasn’t until reading this post that I arrived at the perfect solution. This will never work out for me mind you because my stress levels are around that of god or some sort of higher power and earthly muses will not help.
Generally my solution for most problems is zombies. But, due to the impracticability that zombies would bring to this situation I have opted for another route. “What is this marvelous solution” you ask?
Obesity. Yes you read that right.
Right now in this country we have a major obesity problem. Morbidly fat folks are popping up all over the damn place. There is no control to the situation. The doctors are saying its in the diet and we can fight it with drugs. The health nuts are saying it’s because of the exercise, or lack there of. The fat folks are saying everything else to avoid blaming themselves for their rotund state of being. It’s just a gigantic mess I tell you. “So why don’t we just feed them to the zombies?” you ask. Well then we would just have a bunch of fat zombies walking around turning other fat people into zombies and then pandemonium would ensue. That just doesn’t fly with me, it wont help you relieve your stress, and then we would be stuck looking at a bunch of fat ass zombies for the rest of our life’s cause those F*$kers never die. They would just walk around and bitch about being hungry more than they already do.
So here is how it works.
First, you need to gather supplies. you will need the following:
- Duct tape. Yes good ol American duct tape. The kind like rednecks and astronauts use.
- Chainsaws. At least 4.
- A treadmill.
- Remote control car parts.
- Glass bottles, rags, and gasoline. (yes for molotov cocktails, you are a sharp one aren’t you.)
- A shock collar. Not a sissy one either. You need something that could make a ragging bull do the Carlton on command.
- A large parking lot.
- A nearby roof top or balcony.
- A redneck.
“Wow!!!!! Thats a hell of a list!!!” you say. Trust me it will all make sense in about 3 or 4 paragraphs.”Where the hell am I supposed to find a redneck?” you ask. Thats easy. Hooters, Applebees, Wal-Mart, or any other place where ignorance and idiocracy flourish. your first step is to find and subdue an obese person. This shouldn’t be to tall of an order. They can’t run too fast or too far. You should be able to over take them with nothing more than a brisk jog over a block or so. Next you gotta take that big F*$ker down. I recommend tripping them. This plan originally called for a baseball bat but I found that it inflicted too much damage and spoiled the fun to be had later. Besides, tripping them is far funnier cause you get to watch them struggle with the attempt to stand again. That just makes me giggle every time. Keeping them subdued is even easier than catching them. Chloroform works but that means you actually have to mount this enormous mound of cellulite in order to get the rag over their mouth. I have found if you just lace a McPorkins triple fat ass burger with some elephanttranquilizers, they fall for that shit every time. A few minutes go by……they squel like a stuck pig for a minute or 2, then BAM!!! they hit the ground like a ton of bricks (provided they managed to get back up in the first place). call the tow truck, you just landed your self 400 pounds of jiggly fun!!!!!
The next step is to take the supplies you gathered earlier and place them into a room with the redneck (make sure there is Budweiser readily available). in about six hours come back and you should have a strange version of the following: a treadmill that has been “Jerry rigged” with remote control parts and chain saws sticking out of it. It’s like something from that God awful Saw series that just never seems to end. No one but a redneck could possible engineer something so diabolical.
now, set up the perimeters of the shock collar around the parking lot, drop in the fat ass (with shock collar around neck). place buckets of KFC ( Killyourself with F*$king Chicken) at various places in the parking lot. insert modified treadmill, position yourself in the balcony or on the roof top. Your stage is now set for the best stress relief you have ever had.
Shock the fat F*$ker awake and let the fun begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have never seen fear like a Fat ass running from a remote controlled Treadmill equipped with multi-speed chain saws. what makes it even funnier is the fact that they will undoubtedly try to grab a bucket of KFC at some point in this elaborately constructed game of cat and mouse. Wait until you see them waddling their fat ass in that direction and start chuncking the molotov cocktails. You’ll be amazed at how fire-proof people believe they are when there is bucket of dead, deep fried poultry on the line.
A WORD OF CAUTION!!!!!!! Don’t over do it. These Fat asses are prone to sudden heart attacks. you should always stop after the second or third bucket of KFC. It’s not because we give a shit about obese people, (because the apparently don’t give a shit about themselves) it’s just that if you kill your fat ass you’ll miss out on the hilarity of them waking up into the same situation only a couple of days later. And trust me…..this can go on for months. These guys never learn, they just keep eating. and that face of “how did I wind up here again?” is priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!
