Used to be……you went to the movies to watch the latest motion picture before the 1 year wait for it to come out on vhs. In 1993 some tech heads got together and started to develop the DVD. This alien form of media compression would soon dominate the movie world and dramatically increase the speed to which the all illusive motion picture would be played in peoples homes. Of course this technological wonder came in and completely slaughtered the VHS industry with a flaming sword of righteous progression. and rightfully so. mankind had grown so weary from waiting for the movies to come out on VHS that he practically forgot about some of the titles. It was a truly magnificent system though.
We would see a commercial for the movie, go to the movie. pay 5 – 7 bucks for our ticket. 2 – 4 bucks for popcorn and a soda, see some trailers, see our movie go home. Then a year would pass and the VHS would come out and we would be fascinated all over again!!!! Some where along the way through the past 2 decades something got dramatically F*$KED UP!!!
Now the entire movie industry has become a screwed up sick and twisted version of McPorkins. Allow me to illustrate. A movie is made by some fat cat that wears a suit to bed. His number one goal is money. And it’s not money made by delivering a great product. It’s all about volume. How many of us ignorant bastards can he convince to go to the movie theater and watch this generally crappy movie. Now back in the day we used to get some really original movies. You know good old fashioned classics, stuff that was soooo original you sat in your seat for a minute after the film and said “what kind of drugs were they smoking to come up with such an insanely awesome Idea?”.
Now you sit in you seat and say “what kind of drugs were they smoking to invest $100 million bucks in to this colossal piece of shit?”. But at that point it is too late. You have officially been duped. They paid some actor a decent enough chunk of change to get him to sell his soul (and possibly the future of his career) to be in this POS. Then they cut a trailer, got the movie trailer guy to put his hypnotic voice on it and put it out 6 months before the damn thing even gets to theaters. They got you hooked from a previous movie that you got suckered into.
So there you are…..counting down the days till this movie that you can’t wait to see comes out at the theater. The theater finally gets the movie and the anal raping begins. You drive to the theater in your gas guzzling vehicle, pay for parking. Walk through the heat, rain, freezing cold. Then the moment finally comes. Your actual last chance to prevent yourself from getting F*$KED by Big Daddy MovieBucks. You get to the window to buy your ticket and then BAM!!!!! The ticket price for you and your companion is $20. Thats 1/5th of a C-note. according to your pay scale thats between 1 to 3 hours of work. That is enough to feed some African children for weeks. Thats a full tank of gas for most mid-sized cars or 2 tanks of gas for motorcycle drivers. Do you know what you can get at Wal-Mart for $20 ( don’t shop there Wal-mart is F*$KING evil). So your pocket book has just been robbed and you willingly agreed to it. But it doesn’t stop there. OH NO!!!!!! You walk through the gate where the 17-year-old robot tells you that he is glad you just dropped a small fortune on tickets to visit this not so awesome movie theater and then he tells you the exact directions to get to your theater. But First a stop by the all too alluring concession stand.
This process is a question for question interaction:
“Can I help you” the attendant asks.
“yes can I get a small Popcorn and…..”
“would you like to make it a large for a dollar more?” The attendant so rudely interrupts your order in order to sell you more shit than you actually want. At first, its human nature to respond with “WTF. I just said I want a small popcorn…..SMALL POPCORN…If I wanted the large fucking Popcorn for a dollar more I would have F*$KING said let me get the large popcorn wouldn’t I? Thank you for interrupting me you 900 pound ignorant ass!!!!!!!”. But then you simply say “no thanks.” instead
“OK, what else?” the attendant says with a demeaning smile that is sooo fake it’s probably made out of silicone.
“can I get a small soda?” you ask because it is only nice to be nice to the” severely over worked high school kid” that fucking hates both you and his job and would rather be listening to ICP.
“would you like to make that a large for a $1.50 more, you get free refills?”
once again instinct says you should reply with….”Are you out of your F*$KING mind?!?!?! Who drinks that much soda? Thats like 64 oz of soda. I won’t even finish the small one and you trying to sell me twice as much with a refill? the human body can’t even handle that much. My kidneys will just shut down!!!” But before you actually let those words fly from your lips with all the glory and splendor they deserve, you look around and realize that you are surrounded by a herd the American Hippo. These animals which are indigenous to the North American cinema and fast food oasis can be quite aggressive when their dimensions or often grotesque eating habits are called into question. Suddenly you remember seeing this exact same thing on Man Vs. Wild……..Think………what would Bear Grylis do in a situation. Remember you Discovery channel training. Stay calm, and just say “No thank you” like you are expected to do and try not to anger the heard or cause a stampede.
“and Can I get a box of Skittles?” you ask almost as if it would be impossible for you to get harassed by any more questions. And Then it happens. The most ridiculous and redundant question in all of existence.
“Would you like to make that a combo? 2 large sodas, a large popcorn and 2 candies with refills for just 18 gazillion F*$king dollars!!!” HOLY F*$KING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Suddenly your whole world is engrossed by visions of jumping the counter and grabbing this poor F*$KING kid by the back of his/her head and ramming his/her face into the counter like 47 – 90 times so he looks like squirrel that has been dead on a busy highway for about 3 days, then shoving this fat waste of human flesh into the popcorn maker just to get your point across to the 7 other fat bastards that were standing there looking at you like an idiot from behind the ice machine while you spent 10 minutes in a 6 person line.
After this incredibly frustrating series of events that can only be compared to haggling with a Republican car salesman about universal health care in the middle of a hippy protest against those dastardly soap users, you finally get to see your movie. The glory. The grandeur. The exact same piece of shit they sold you last year just with a couple of new faces, and a new soundtrack. You just got dry F*$KED and those bastards didn’t even bother to give you a kiss. And to make matters worse this thing will play for 8 weeks in the theater 3 to 4 times a day and repeat this process to millions of us nationwide. Then BAM!!!!!!!! straight to DVD where they screw you on another $20 for something that maybe costs them a $1.50 to make and distribute.
How about we all support indie film and help the underdog that actually makes original movies……oh wait, we are a bunch of F*$KING degenerate fat bastards that are allergic to any kind of effort what so ever!!!!!!!! If its not served to us in a plastic wrapper and the TV doesn’t endorse it, well it just must not be worth a damn!!!!!!!
Man my anus hurts……
One Comment
Ah, but only the fool hardy are going for the waste of celluloid that the suit wearing bastards are trying to pass off as art. There is a bigger prize to be had here. The truly industrious are using their money for the rich hunting trip that is before them. In this darkend cave, that is used to worship the waste of our culture, with it is brain numbing moving images, lies some of the most elusive prey that there is to be had int he concrete jungles of failureville. Fat Asses and Zombies. By remembering the Discovery Channel training you so thoughfully brought up, those that don’t want to go out and hunt at McPorkins can capture their fat bastard for some fun, and really look for the zombies that are that are drawn to this place like a Dem drawn to the defense of the lazy ass that thinks that life owes them a damn free lunch. These Zombies are the true prize that makes the price of this hunting expidition worth the cost. Just remember that the horny ass teens that sit in the back and talk during the entire flick should only be hunted with a Kunai. The use of firearms and cell phones as bait are not prohibitied, but really take the fun out of it. Sometimes its all in your perspective. Instead of bending over and taking it, turn around and shoot the fraqer in the head.