Indeed I think I should start a cult. But not one of those lame as cults that that believes we are all gonna die and hitch a ride on a comet, or one that hangs out in Texas and pisses off the ATF. No I mean a real cult. One that has morals and goals. One that works to better our world and make it a safer place to live. I wanna make a cult that has such profound Ideas and philosophies that even Catholic priests and Christian Evangelists abandon their faith to come and join.  ”well what will be the point of this cult?” many of you may ask?

Well…………………….uhm………….you see…….its kinda…………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’ll be called the Holy Light of Common Sense. At least that will be the public name. But to those select few specially initiated members it will be known as The Face Stabbers of Dumb F*$kers Guild. or FSDFG for short (God I just love acronyms). We will tackle (literally) all kinds of serious issues that threaten our world, society, and even our very way of life. But we’ll have to start out small by only stabbing the faces of the unnoticed dumbshits. Those few that will not be missed, like the person that decided it was OK for kids and Hip Hop artists to wear their pants down around their knees like they forgot to pull them up after that last visit to the porcelain throne. Or the person that invented skinny jeans for skinny guys. We are stopping by his house first. The Hummer driver. The guy that still rocks a mullet like its cool. The chick that rocks a mullet like its still cool. The marketing executive that inserts WAY to many keywords and catch phrases into radio commercials like “….sprinkled with a succulent dash of fresh cheddar for an extra zest of flavor, a cheese that originated in old world Europe…”  ITS JUST F*$KING CHEDDAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’re stabbing that guy like 20 or 30 times.

The reason we can’t just start attacking the major issues is because we need to slowly infiltrate society. Most people are scared and panicky and if we just start offing every 2 piece dumb shit we come across right out of the starting gate, it’ll appear trendy.

Frankly thats just not what we are about.

After a year or so of just light face stabbing and covert shanking operations, we will launch our public face to recruit new members. I mean its not a REAL cult till you have two or three hundred members. In the open we will start preaching the word of intelligence. Go to school. Don’t do drugs. Eat at Joe’s, while in the background we will be planning our world wide assault. By year 2 we will have gained clearance from local, state, and government officials to start pulling people from their SUVs  and stabbing them in the face for using their cell phones without a bluetooth. Pretty soon after that, we”ll start granting that privilege to the average citizen, provided they pass a competency test. Next we will begin tackling the big issues, like people that make and sell shit that doesn’t work, or people that continue to wear a mullet (I foresee this being an ongoing problem in the rural areas), the guy that takes up 2 spaces with his shitty parking job in his nice car, and the guy that buys a truck soooooooo big he needs 2 lanes cause he can’t fit his gas guzzling POS into 1. But there are soooo many other issues that will probably need addressing in the first few years,  like the person that plans major road construction projects right in the middle of rush hour, or that absolutely F*$king idiotic asshole that continuously F*$KS up you order at the fast food joint (we will probably just shoot him/her in anus and feed him to the zombies after a year of hanging out with his colostomy bag). Yes there is much work to be done in the infancy of a cult.

After about a decade of helping the world rid itself of idiots, assholes, a dumbfuckers, we will move on to the big fish. Politicians, CEOs of major corporations, Chads, Sorostitutes and people that continue to eat at McPorkins. The very same people that make the laws will be under constant scrutiny of the eye of the FSDFG. Those fat cat procrastinating basterds will have to answer for their bullshit stalling tactics and double chinned dealings. If they don’t step up to the plate as elected officials and do honest shit, then we’ll just stab those F*$KERS in the face like everybody else. and once they have been stabbed, we’ll track down those that contributed to their dirty handed corrupt dealings and stab them too. Hell……we’ll make a holiday out of it. Call it “Politicalstabbilopomas Day” Of course it’ll probably need to be a week long celebration and we’ll give people really dull, blunt wooden knifes and tree branches to stab those self righteous basters with. yeah……………..cause Cults need holidays.
Next come the Chads, cause every Chad needs a good face stabbing or two. As Far as the Sorostitutes are concerned, there are just so damn many of them. We’ll have some pretty advanced weaponry by this point, so we’ll just have to do multiple stabbings with our stabomatic knife launcher. Of course a large chunk of them will be wiped out by our anti SUV/cell phone campaign. (Look around next time you are at a stoplight and you’ll see what I am talking about.) For the  fat basterds that keep eating McPorkins, well we will just have to use extra long knifes.

Damn………This sounds like too much fun. I might need to get started. might even need to a PSA.

Are you tired of watching dumf*$kers continue to populate the Earth and live a fruitful life. Ever wish you could just rid the world of idiots one shanking at a time? Then you sound like the perfect candidate for the Holy Light of  Common Sense. We are an autonomous organization sponsored by the FSDFG and we are coming to your neighborhood.  cue the 50′s music, cue little Bobby patriotically stabbing the shit out of some little emo kid then looking at the camera and saying “I’ve got common sense enough to know that this little bitch deserves to die. How bout you?”

OUR PROPOGANDA POSTER

We would see a commercial for the movie, go to the movie. pay 5 – 7 bucks for our ticket. 2 – 4 bucks for popcorn and a soda, see some trailers, see our movie go home. Then a year would pass and the VHS would come out and we would be fascinated all over again!!!! Some where along the way through the past 2 decades something got dramatically F*$KED UP!!!

Now the entire movie industry has become a screwed up sick and twisted version of McPorkins. Allow me to illustrate. A movie is made by some fat cat that wears a suit to bed. His number one goal is money. And it’s not money made by delivering a great product. It’s all about volume. How many of us ignorant bastards can he convince to go to the movie theater and watch this generally crappy movie. Now back in the day we used to get some really original movies. You know good old fashioned classics, stuff that was soooo original you sat in your seat for a minute after the film and said “what kind of drugs were they smoking to come up with such an insanely awesome Idea?”.
Now you sit in you seat and say “what kind of drugs were they smoking to invest $100 million bucks in to this colossal piece of shit?”. But at that point it is too late. You have officially been duped. They paid some actor a decent enough chunk of change to get him to sell his soul (and possibly the future of his career)  to be in this POS. Then they cut a trailer, got the movie trailer guy to put his hypnotic voice on it and put it out 6 months before the damn thing even gets to theaters. They got you hooked from a previous movie that you got suckered into.

So there you are…..counting down the days till this movie that you can’t wait to see comes out at the theater. The theater finally gets the movie and the anal raping begins. You drive to the theater in your gas guzzling vehicle, pay for parking. Walk through the heat, rain, freezing cold. Then the moment finally comes. Your actual last chance to prevent yourself from getting F*$KED by Big Daddy MovieBucks. You get to the window to buy your ticket and then BAM!!!!! The ticket price for you and your companion is $20. Thats 1/5th of a C-note. according to your pay scale thats between 1 to 3 hours of work. That is enough to feed some African children for weeks. Thats a full tank of gas for most mid-sized cars or 2 tanks of gas for motorcycle drivers. Do you know what you can get at Wal-Mart for $20 ( don’t shop there Wal-mart is F*$KING evil). So your pocket book has just been robbed and you willingly agreed to it. But it doesn’t stop there. OH NO!!!!!! You walk through the gate where the 17-year-old robot tells you that he is glad you just dropped a small fortune on tickets to visit this not so awesome movie theater and then he tells you the exact directions to get to your theater. But First a stop by the all too alluring concession stand.
This process is a question for question interaction:

“Can I help you” the attendant asks.
“yes can I get a small Popcorn and…..”
“would you like to make it a large for a dollar more?”  The attendant so rudely interrupts your order in order to sell you more shit than you actually want. At first, its human nature to respond with “WTF. I just said I want a small popcorn…..SMALL POPCORN…If I wanted the large fucking Popcorn for a dollar more I would have F*$KING said let me get the large popcorn wouldn’t I? Thank you for interrupting me you 900 pound ignorant ass!!!!!!!”. But then you simply say “no thanks.” instead
“OK, what else?” the attendant says with a demeaning smile that is sooo fake it’s probably made out of silicone.
“can I get a small soda?” you ask because it is only nice to be nice to the” severely over worked high school kid” that fucking hates both you and his job and would rather be listening to ICP.
“would you like to make that a large for a $1.50 more, you get free refills?”
once again instinct says you should reply with….”Are you out of your F*$KING mind?!?!?! Who drinks that much soda? Thats like 64 oz of soda. I won’t even finish the small one and you trying to sell me twice as much with a refill? the human body can’t even handle that much. My kidneys will just  shut down!!!” But before you actually let those words fly from your lips with all the glory and splendor they deserve, you look around and realize that you are surrounded by a herd the American Hippo. These animals which are indigenous to the North American cinema and fast food oasis can be quite aggressive when their dimensions or often grotesque eating habits are called into question. Suddenly you remember seeing this exact same thing on Man Vs. Wild……..Think………what would Bear Grylis do in a situation. Remember you Discovery channel training. Stay calm, and just say “No thank you” like you are expected to do and try not to anger the heard or cause a stampede.
“and Can I get a box of Skittles?” you ask almost as if it would be impossible for you to get harassed by any more questions. And Then it happens. The most ridiculous and redundant question in all of existence.
“Would you like to make that a combo? 2 large sodas, a large popcorn and 2 candies with refills for just 18 gazillion F*$king dollars!!!” HOLY F*$KING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Suddenly your whole world is engrossed by visions of jumping the counter and grabbing this poor F*$KING kid by the back of his/her head and ramming his/her face into the counter like 47 – 90 times so he looks like squirrel that has been dead on a busy highway for about 3 days, then shoving this fat waste of human flesh into the popcorn maker just to get your point across to the 7 other fat bastards that were standing there looking at you like an idiot from behind the ice machine while you spent 10 minutes in a 6 person line.

After this incredibly frustrating series of events that can only be compared to haggling with a Republican car salesman about universal health care in the middle of a hippy protest against those dastardly soap users, you finally get to see your movie. The glory. The grandeur. The exact same piece of shit they sold you last year just with a couple of new faces, and a new soundtrack. You just got dry F*$KED and those bastards didn’t even bother to give you a kiss. And to make matters worse this thing will play for 8 weeks in the theater 3 to 4 times a day and repeat this process to millions of  us nationwide. Then BAM!!!!!!!! straight to DVD where they screw you on another $20 for something that maybe costs them a $1.50 to make and distribute.

How about we all support indie film and help the underdog that actually makes original movies……oh wait, we are a bunch of F*$KING degenerate fat bastards that are allergic to any kind of effort what so ever!!!!!!!! If its not served to us in a plastic wrapper and the TV doesn’t endorse it, well it just must not be worth a damn!!!!!!!

Man my anus hurts……

Generally my solution for most problems is zombies. But, due to the impracticability that zombies would bring to this situation I have opted for another route. “What is this marvelous solution” you ask?
Obesity. Yes you read that right.

Right now in this country we have a major obesity problem. Morbidly fat folks are popping up all over the damn place. There is no control to the situation. The doctors are saying its in the diet and we can fight it with drugs. The health nuts are saying it’s because of the exercise, or lack there of. The fat folks are saying everything else to avoid blaming themselves for their rotund state of being. It’s just a gigantic mess I tell you. “So why don’t we just feed them to the zombies?” you ask. Well then we would just have a bunch of fat zombies walking around turning other fat people into zombies and then pandemonium would ensue. That just doesn’t fly with me, it wont help you relieve your stress, and then we would be stuck looking at a bunch of fat ass zombies for the rest of our life’s cause those F*$kers never die. They would just walk around and bitch about being hungry more than they already do.
So here is how it works.

First, you need to gather supplies. you will need the following:

1. Duct tape. Yes good ol American duct tape. The kind like rednecks and astronauts use.
2. Chainsaws. At least 4.
3. A treadmill.
4. Remote control car parts.
5. Glass bottles, rags, and gasoline. (yes for molotov cocktails, you are a sharp one aren’t you.)
6. A shock collar. Not a sissy one either. You need something that could make a ragging bull do the Carlton on command.
7. A large parking lot.
8. A nearby roof top or balcony.
9. A redneck.

“Wow!!!!! Thats a hell of a list!!!” you say. Trust me it will all make sense in about 3 or 4 paragraphs.”Where the hell am I supposed to find a redneck?” you ask. Thats easy. Hooters, Applebees, Wal-Mart, or any other place where ignorance and idiocracy flourish. your first step is to find and subdue an obese person. This shouldn’t be to tall of an order. They can’t run too fast or too far. You should be able to over take them with nothing more than a brisk jog over a block or so. Next you gotta take that big F*$ker down. I recommend tripping them. This plan originally called for a baseball bat but I found that it inflicted too much damage and spoiled the fun to be had later. Besides, tripping them is far funnier cause you get to watch them struggle with the attempt to stand again. That just makes me giggle every time. Keeping them subdued is even easier than catching them. Chloroform works but that means you actually have to mount this enormous mound of cellulite in order to get the rag over their mouth. I have found if you just lace a McPorkins triple fat ass burger with some elephanttranquilizers, they fall for that shit every time. A few minutes go by……they squel like a stuck pig for a minute or 2, then BAM!!! they hit the ground like a ton of bricks (provided they managed to get back up in the first place). call the tow truck, you just landed your self 400 pounds of jiggly fun!!!!!

The next step is to take the supplies you gathered earlier and place them into a room with the redneck (make sure there is Budweiser readily available). in about six hours come back and you should have a strange version of the following: a treadmill that has been “Jerry rigged” with remote control parts and chain saws sticking out of it. It’s like something from that God awful Saw series that just never seems to end. No one but a redneck could possible engineer something so diabolical.

now, set up the perimeters of the shock collar around the parking lot, drop in the fat ass (with shock collar around neck). place buckets of KFC ( Killyourself with F*$king Chicken) at various places in the parking lot. insert modified treadmill, position yourself in the balcony or on the roof top. Your stage is now set for the best stress relief you have ever had.

Shock the fat F*$ker awake and let the fun begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You have never seen fear like a Fat ass running from a remote controlled Treadmill equipped with multi-speed chain saws. what makes it even funnier is the fact that they will undoubtedly try to grab a bucket of KFC at some point in this elaborately constructed game of cat and mouse. Wait until you see them waddling their fat ass in that direction and start chuncking the molotov cocktails. You’ll be amazed at how fire-proof people believe they are when there is bucket of dead, deep fried poultry on the line.

A WORD OF CAUTION!!!!!!! Don’t over do it. These Fat asses are prone to sudden heart attacks. you should always stop after the second or third bucket of KFC. It’s not because we give a shit about obese people, (because the apparently don’t give a shit about themselves) it’s just that if you kill your fat ass you’ll miss out on the hilarity of them waking up into the same situation only a couple of days later. And trust me…..this can go on for months. These guys never learn, they just keep eating. and that face of “how did I wind up here again?” is priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not quite for sure what motivates people to get such enormous vehicles (well…besides penis size). OK OK. I understand that some folks actually do work in the pit of hell. And you need something with 4 wheel drive to get you in and out of the jobsite. Maybe some big tires for snowy or rainy days. Thats completely acceptable. But what about the other 95% of those bastards with small egos, no status, and a severe need to dominate those around them. There is another word for them……………douchebag.
You know who I am talking about too. Chad Chaddington McChaderson. The guy with all the MMA stickers, or the one giant superman sticker that says “look at me, I have anger issues”. The guy that just came out of the sticks to join the rest of the world but hasn’t figured out the rest of the world left him behind in the sticks like 20 years ago for a reason.

I also love the guy that says “it’s for hauling stuff.” Yet there isn’t a scratch in the bed of the damn thing.

Now, My dad had a truck…….actually he had like 50 of them throughout the course of my childhood, but He actually hauled stuff in it. Trash, parts, trees, fishing boats, children, devices for punishing children, feed, other vehicles, aluminum cans (it was alot of aluminum cans……beer mostly), animals (generally hauled with the children), and various other things that one would typically find in the bed of a truck that belonged to a redneck  grease monkey. But these days it seems that people are just hauling themselves. Now with America’s current obesity problem, that can be a chore for any vehicles.
Used to be, you could identify the poor folks by the fact that they drove a truck. Then through the 90′s, you could identify a redneck, and well-off rednecks by the fact that they drove a truck. The quality of the truck  quite literally stated the economic status of of it’s redneck operator. Then something strange happened. One day, in some far off solar system there was a pulsar that fluctuated on the z axis of its rotation and let off some sort of super intense tackion beam that, through a strange holistic and chaotic series of events, managed to bombard the USA.
This bombardment caused a strange fusion of certain logic based synapses in the brain when the human body was in close proximity to large amounts of American currency. The result of which was all the rich suburban folk started to buy the largest vehicles possible, which created a demand for more large vehicles. Next thing you know, every half bald, overweight Chad Chaddington McChaderson that was beginning to feel trapped by the suburban hell hole he had constructed around himself was driving  an F250 (or larger) justifying it with ridiculous excuses. Oh but that wasn’t the end of it. The mysterious syndrome continued to spread like a plague across the country. The next infection struck women. Suburban moms, Barbie dolls and sorostitutes nation wide became afflicted. They began to have their financial suppliers buy them these monstrous SUVs. But the affliction was worse for these women. The could only function in these vehicles if there was a connection between the vehicle, their brain, and their cellular device. The strangest part about this connection, was that the cellular device needed to be placed directly up to the ear, otherwise the vehicle wouldn’t even start. blue tooth devices were far to complicated for these mentally handicapped overachiever that were once considered the backbone of the American household.

And then the shit hit the fan. The oversized vehicles became a status symbols. Now instead of seeing the tricked out Impalas kicking 3 wheel motion like one would expect a loc ass gangsta to be pimpin while givin the entire ghetto some second hand bass out the back of a rattling trunk, We see the Denali XL (extra large) rollin on them deuce deuce’s with the black tint windows screamin out money aint a thing and neither is the environment.

I think that we should put an end to this massive consumption of environmental resources and grotesque display of stupidity. here is my plan:

wait till the f*$kers park their gigantic vehicles all crooked in the walmart parking lot (or the club, or that rich ass department store) the hire a bunch of ghetto kids to strip the tires and leave the ride posted up on blocks. stash a bunch of blood thirsty Rottweilers inside the vehicle. use their license plate to find out where they live and stash a bunch of zombies in their house.

here is how it works. they go in to the store/club come out and the can’t drive anywhere. when they get into their car to get their AAA info to call a tow truck they get mauled by the Rottweilers, they go to the hospital and get patched up. by this time they are like wow that really sucked but at leat I am OK now they go home and then BAM!!!!!!!!! instant zombie attack. and if they are actually swift enough to get away from the zombies, we have a bunch of smurfs fill their lawn with holes and a few ninjas on the roof to pick them off with arrows after they step in the holes and F*$k up their ankles. F*$KING BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMERICA.............F*$k YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

There once was a time in the not so distant past when I was not an awesomely amazing super dude capable of world domination with nothing more than a thought and a fart. Yeah I know, hard to believe right. But seriously, I used to be badass at being a f*$k up.  I had this really awesome way of dealing with the problems that would float down the river of my anti Rainbow Brite type of life.
I would take a moment, evaluate the problem, find the most logical solution, throw that shit out the window, see how others would handle the problem, decide they were all dumb shit conformists, extend my middle finger, say alot of really colorful words that made me feel like I was the man in control, and then just stick the problem away in some deep hole to forget about it for about 5 – 10 years thinking it was never going to rear its ugly head again, smoke a blunt and be done with it. And this worked for about 3 years. It was probably the best plan I would’ve ever come up with at the time. We all know that when you are a teenager you know everything and you just begin to forget shit as you get older.

So anyway, I was the coolest guy in the world. I had long black hair, tall black boots, slashed up jeans (when I wasn’t wearing black pants) and was just absolutely beautiful for a skinny, drugged up metal head with a chip on his shoulder. People would flock to hang around me. And not just your everyday “blah” type of people like athletes, businessmen, movie directors, family members, nuclear technicians, and Scholars. No I mean REALLY cool people. People that actually made a difference in this world. The type of people who the entire fabric of our society depends on. People like strippers and drug dealers, drug users and drug abusers, anger mongers, thief’s, liars, and crazy curly-haired women that wanted to be a fashion model. Those were some of the best people I have ever known. They gave me so much, like debt, a criminal record, an addiction (now conquered),  more crazy acid stories (hallucinations for you young ones) than I care to mention, and an overall realistic sense of how the world really works. And you guys wonder why I see smurfs pushing holes around……..ppppffffft.

In those days, I had the whole world in the palm of my hands. Then, despite all this amazing shit that was going absolutely perfect in my life, something went terribly wrong. I got married. Most of you guys are probably saying, well thats a good thing right. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F*$KING MINDS!!!! This chicha was freaking nuts!!! Bi polar manic depressive with a severe drinking problem. Wanna talk about a good time!!! I had an absolute freaking blast. It was like being on vacation…..EVERYDAY!!!!! After a while of this jacked up life, I took things back to normal. After all, whats life all about if your not snortin coke, smokin dope, blowing cash and burning bridges. And I figured after my vacation from reality, I needed to put in the overtime!!!

several years would pass and I became strong like bull. Alienated all of my homies, got some new ones and pissed them off too. Thats when it happened. I saw this burning light in the sky that had this warm glow about it. almost heavenly. I experienced a warmth from that light that I had never known before. It was like Jesus came down from heaven and placed his hand on my head as if to show me the error of my ways, he opened his mouth and said ………………………………some completely unintelligible shit. I was tripping my balls off and got hung up on a light post. I must’ve been there for hours. I remember watching the sun rise. when it was all said and done. I decided to get my ass into school and get some skills

After the first installment, I moved to Denver. Went to school here, decided it sucked really bad, left, got a job and met a girl.

Great the next step is getting fat, going bald and losing my mind.

F*$K.

Mediocrity sucks.

So now you have just read this entire blog, wasted like four minutes of your ever so precious life and probably didn’t even laugh once. ok, maybe once…..the bit about the smurfs probably got at least a little chuckle…..right? but if you are wondering what the point of this blog is, well I have discovered the secret to life and its in the next few paragraphs.

We must always pay our debts. not the monetary kind either. If your life is shit, then you are doing something wrong. If your life is really shitty, it’s the bad stuff you’ve done wrong catching up to you. you can not escape it. If your life is great then there is bad shit around the corner just waiting on you to get comfortable. if you are doing everything you can to be good and you still have bad shit happen to you then you are just paying the taxes for the good you are putting into the system. I know it sucks, but the sooner you accept it the happier you will be. We have bad things happen to us for a reason.  Bad shit offers us a basis for comparison. without it, we would not understand happiness.

We wind up with shitty friends and lovers for the same reason. They teach us to be leery of those we surround ourselves with, and how to find the good in people who are experiencing troubled times. EVERYONE can have a bright future if they can only see the faults in their own ways. none of us are perfect. not even you. find someone that needs a little light shined into their life. the universe will reward you for your good deeds weather you notice it or not.

If someone has done something good and unselfish for you, then do something good and unselfish for someone else. you owe it to the universe….. she keeps track and she will find you through your Facebook page.

develop yourself. Learn more than you have time for and you will find yourself prepared for the most bizarre situations. knowledge is the one true power in the universe and those that have it rule all around them. become an everything efficianado.

watch out for smurfs. They are some tricky little bastards. and they are smaller than 3 apples high and they will find you through your Facebook page as well.

Ninjas are everywhere…..learn to catch arrows.

Zombies can only catch you if you are clumsy, an asshole, or a bully.

Nuff Said.

There I was kicking it with some of my NINJA friends (cause we all know ninjas really exist), and we were doing some ninja style ish (thats radio slang for shit) like we do on Fridays. I was just teaching the peeps some cool new two finger death touch techniques, trying to get my awesomely masked homies ready for our rumble with the rival clan next week. The star pupil of the day, Chuckles McNinjabadassikins, was having some problems grasping the concept of linking a 5 shirkin evasion technique with the 2 finger death touch out of a triple back flip with a full twist. It’s a really easy move if you know what you are doing, it’s all about how you hold your lip. Anyway, I decided to help him out. We climbed up onto the scaffolding, cause real ninjas learn much better in death-defying situations, and started training.
After about 10 minutes I got a peculiar twinge in my ninja senses. I noticed that there was a small squad of  darkly clad ninjas perched in the trees above us,  waiting to strike at just the right moment. With a slight eye gesture I told Chuckles McNinjabadassikins that there was a ninja clan scoping the skills, and that we should take those fools down with the shim – shim technique.
*roughly translated* Shim – shim technique =  flying back spin wielding the fist of  ninja face destruction from the mountain of the 7 shinobi.

Before we could move though, those fools dropped out of the tree and our once tranquil training session in the park turned into an all out Jap fight that would’ve made Ninja Scroll look like an animated Disney flick from the 80′s. I can’t even tell you how many arrows I dodged. Chuckles McNinjabadassikins  and the rest of the hommies rained down on them trick ass bitches with a vengence though. There was Ninja blood all OVER the place!!!! So after this epic battle that lasted like 3 or 4 minutes, we decided to mosey on over to the cooler and recharge our selves with some tasty Go Fast!™

in the middle of my third step toward the cooler I noticed that one of those dead ninjas had an entire squadran of little blue smurfs crawling out of his bag. and just as I looked down one of those little blue bastards had pushed a hole right under my foot. This shit caught me completely by surprise. I’ve seen everything from dragons and drag queens, but I’ll be damned if I have ever seen a smurf till this exact moment in time. Not only that but these f*$kers could actually push a hole, damndest thing I ever seen!!!!!! There were so many of them the only thing I could think of at that moment was ” Damn… Poppa Smurf been gettin BUSY, BOW CHICKA WOW WOW”
I was so shocked at the surrealness of this LSD style moment that I forgot everything. All of my years of training went out the window. There was no way I could pull of any kind of teleportation technique, and my levitation jutsu was completely out of the question. The next few seconds were inevitable. My foot went straight into the whole. One click, two pops, and a WTF later I was on the ground screaming like a little ninja bitch!!!!

Now I know what you are thinking.. how did I sense the ninjas in the tree…..right? But I think you are really missing the point of the story here. There were f*$king smurfs pushing around holes and I f*$ked my ankle up by stepping in one of them. Aint that some shit?!?!?!?!!?!?!

True Story.

WHAT NOW BITCHES!!!!!!!

Like a flash of lightning my eyes darted back up to the once magnificent panel of security goodness. and There it was. The green bar of death. Slowly growing and instantly I grasped the reality of the situation. I am under attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF!!! WTF!!! WTF !!! WTF!!!

How could someone do this!!!!!!!!! They had disguised themselves as a champion of the people who’s only purpose was to protect them from the harmful world of hackers, and nasty little condom horse viruses. All the while they were poised to launch a sneak attack on my field full of green grass, blue skies, teddy bears and fluffy bunnies named Schnookie and Pookins. While I am sitting there staring at this magnanimous  glowing object of safety with is shimmering pearly goodness, it is behind me slaughtering countless bunnies and snuggly little bears. By the time I caught on and turned around everything was F*$ked!!!!!!! My green grass had turned red and was covered in teddy bear and fluffy bunny guts. WTF!!!!

How could these EVIL BASTERDS have gotten away with this??? I wasn’t surfing porn or illegally downloading videos and software!!!!!!! When could they have coordinated such a fiendish plan to attack . I haven’t made that many enemies lately. WTF!!!!! So I called the one true light in the universe. The only hope I could possibly have of banishing this vile menace from my happy place……….The IT Department. With a fiery sword of vengeance and nobility pulled from the mouth of God himself  he came. He smashed nasty viruses and foul mouthed malware with ruthless precision and vindictive accuracy!!!!!! And then he turned to me and with a voice so powerful it shook the very ground my chair sat upon he said “dude I am in the middle of some serious shit right now. This is such a simple problem to fix. Go to this site, download this thing, and run it. problem solved……moron.” And then Order was restored to my world. The verbal berating I had just received was but a small price to pay for the return of my sanity.

I believe there are special places in hell reserved for those that create and distribute computer viruses, spyware and malware. Just because you suck at social skills and couldn’t get a date with princess whatever the f*$k her name was, doesn’t give you the right to F*$k with my bunny rabbits. Nuff said.

WE GOT THAT FOOL!!!!!

Example: if you were given a swirly everyday by the same guy for 3 or 4 years in a row, you might believe that the measurement needs to be a bit heavier than if you were the chick at the end of the hall that just heard about the swirly. The chick at the end of the hall may think something along the lines of a swirly in a toilet full of poo might be the proper amount of “what they deserve”. However, if you were the kid getting the swirly, your measurement of this dosage will most certainly be much more grand and complex. Something along the lines of having all of your holes (yes all of them) filled with poo, while being dangled over a pit of black mambas after having just been given a swirly in a toilet full of pirana.

The measurement is just different.

Now we have all heard a thousand reasons as to why someone is a bully. and from time to time they are right. But those reasons don’t make a hill of beans to the people getting bullied. The only thing those people getting bullied ever care about is retribution. The problem with that is the victims are generally nice people that probably wouldn’t follow through with administering the dosage if given the opportunity. And even if the could manage to summon up the stones, it would only serve to make the bullies tougher, meaner and more on a warpath to torture their victims. Just take a look at our prison systems. Its just a vicious cycle.

Right about now your probably saying “OK Mr. Smarty Pants, What’s your solution?”

Simple. Zombies with chainsaws in a fence made of lasers!!!!! You can keep the zombies contained and the bullies are almost certain to shit their pants (which they would be forced to where for 5 days, provided they survived the ordeal) upon being dropped inside the fence. “well what if they didn’t get scared?” you ask….zombies need to eat. How are they gonna wield the chainsaws if you don’t feed them from time to time? duh!

I know its cruel and unusual punishment, but you’ll only have to do it to like five or six hundred bullies before they start to get the picture. I know its not a perfect solution…I’m just sayin……something needs to happen, and ya’ll aint cranking out any genius ideas like that one.

GET SOME FOOL!!!!!!!!

Not that being a zombie would be such a horrible life. you don’t have to worry about alot of things when you are a zombie. stuff like rent, work, the economy, your boss, medical bills, having a keen fashion since, kanye west interrupting you, you know…the important shit in life.

food is kind of a bitch though. and with my luck I would be the guy that gets ripped apart by all of the other zombies. I would be like just a head and an arm…….damn. I can’t win for losing.

thats me on the ground.

maybe you should get back to work before your boss catches you. and if you the boss shouldn’t you be making sure your employees are working and not listening to me rant about my pains???????

I feel like a retard with a shovel